Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
bout dat hot dog summer
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Happy Thanksgiving
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.