Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”


Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”


Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”


How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”


Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.


[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?


6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.


When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.


calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves


*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

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