Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.
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Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“Where’d my boomerang go?”
Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”
*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: I go into the stall for that
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Went out drinking at the bar last night.
Took a cab home.
Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?