@PimpleEye

Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

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@JosephScrimshaw

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

@TheCensoredRock

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore

@panmidwest

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

@blitz2six

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

@RoosterMustache

“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*

@TheToddWilliams

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

@Michael1979

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

@FishySnowborder

Went out drinking at the bar last night.

Took a cab home.

Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?