I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Beware of the dog..
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.