There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
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*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.