@GaryJanetti

Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!

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@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@realHamOnWry

In honeycombs, why are the babies called larvae and not wannabees?

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

@gilineezy

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

@Buncahn

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

@Stellar_AF

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@iamMunga

Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.