this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!
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In honeycombs, why are the babies called larvae and not wannabees?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Only a mother’s love …
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.