@McGrumpenstein

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

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@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@KissabiX

“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.

@finn_viqueen

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

@JohnLyonTweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

@vanluvz1

Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

@hpb777

Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@generalslug

love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass