“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.


Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!


Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.


ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
ALBUS: I can’t control them.


Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.


You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.


love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass