[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Her: I like bad boys
Me: I break the law sometimes
Her: ooooh which one?
Me: *from ceiling* gravity
Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
D: Science project on chickens.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.