@littleliterally

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

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@heytherecore

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

@vexroid

To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.

@Cpin42

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

@noodlegrip

Her: I like bad boys

Me: I break the law sometimes

Her: ooooh which one?

Me: *from ceiling* gravity

@DaddyJew

Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.

@ShortSleeveSuit

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

@NicestHippo

“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.