Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

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[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*


To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.


Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush


Her: I like bad boys

Me: I break the law sometimes

Her: ooooh which one?

Me: *from ceiling* gravity


Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.


FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind


The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.


“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american


Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.