Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

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-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”


I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!


me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member


I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.


Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?


who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.


My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.

I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.


Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.