Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.