Hahaha oh Harry Shearer, you’re cautiously beloved.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”
My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.
We’re renewing our mortgage.
He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.