@pant_leg

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

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@murrman5

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

@OneyeBogey

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

@fillthevacuum

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

@Home_Halfway

Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”

@VisionBored1

My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.

@Dawn_M_

He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.

@aksorojas

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

@MomOfTeen

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.