thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Wake me when AI does housework
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert