@pant_leg
@IamJackBoot
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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@IamJackBoot
@BuckyIsotope
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
@ThrillHicks
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
@baronvonbike
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
@sammyrhodes
1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List
@AndrewNadeau0
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
@ojedge
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
@Momfia
Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.
@batkaren
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
@ObscureGent
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.