Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.