Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”