@MikeCanRant

Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.

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@FunnyBison

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

@iGreenMonk

I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something

I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes

@murrman5

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

@Shingaboop

Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.

@stevevsninjas

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@KarenKilgariff

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

@tylerschmall

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.