Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.

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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me


I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something

I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes


[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat


Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.


Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.


I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.


My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”


England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.