Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
she has a point
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
so this horse walks into a bar
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud