@gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

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@OrangeFact

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

@david8hughes

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

@mattZillaaaa

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

@LoverOfComics94

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

@BallsMcBallski

The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.

@Sickayduh

Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?

@dave_cactus

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.