Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

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I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad


[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo


*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*


Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.


My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.


I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.


I told my son I was looking for a picture of myself at 20 and he got all wide-eyed and asked if they had cameras in the olden days so I’ve cancelled his next three birthdays


I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.



Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?


I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.