My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.