Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
One venti cheeseburger please.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.