9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.
Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I may seem put together until you see me ironing my sundress in my underpants 10 mins before someone is supposed to knock on my door
I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.
This is my sewer side note.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
An apology, to my wife:
I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game
The five year old
‘Yippee Ki Yay’
I did not think.
Finished the phrase.
And now he knows
A new word.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us