@T_Bonezzz

Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway

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@Vodkantots

9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.

@clichedout

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

@jokeymcjokeface

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

@okcallmejay

I may seem put together until you see me ironing my sundress in my underpants 10 mins before someone is supposed to knock on my door

@Sickayduh

I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.

This is my sewer side note.

@OBiiieeee

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

@HenpeckedHal

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

@JoshuaGrubbsPhD

An apology, to my wife:

I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game

The five year old
Kept yelling
‘Yippee Ki Yay’

I did not think.
Instinctively, I
Finished the phrase.

And now he knows
A new word.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us