can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong