Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
The options really are this bad
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*limbos away from your hug*
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.