@rivetingbonmots

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

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@Whatevah_Amy

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@Fab_Mommy_

Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.

Always finish what you start.

@abbycohenwl

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@DurtMcHurtt

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”