Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.