Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Basketball
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.