How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
“You know how fast you were going?”
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?