@sarcasticmommy4

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

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@ehchino

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

@Schmoodles

A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.

@UncleDuke1969

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@dundlewood

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

@iwearaonesie

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

@iwearaonesie

[texting]
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

@internetluke

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

@abbycohenwl

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?