Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
All excellent questions
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
🤣🤣🤣
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza