Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult