I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
You Might Also Like
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???
doctor: i have your blood test here
doctor: you failed
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that
I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home. 🤷🏻♀️🧁
Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.