Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Not😆🤣
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Tammy is short for Tamuel
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.