Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

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I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.


ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on


Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.



BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite


ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?


ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???


doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed


Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that


I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home. 🤷🏻‍♀️🧁


If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.