Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
You Might Also Like
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
mood
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.