Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.