Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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May your ex鈥檚 phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
馃幎If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 馃幎
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it鈥檚 me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
i can鈥檛 wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 馃槀馃槀
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80鈥檚 pop group.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
him: you鈥檙e not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how