Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin