Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels

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Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
5yo: How do I do that?


I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.


[First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…


“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee


God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)


Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?


I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..


[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet


ME: who’s a good boy!!

DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit

ME: what

DOG: bark


Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced