Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
multitasking lunch
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?