Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.


Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.


Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.


To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!


Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.


[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!


In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.


I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.


Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that


Me: you have nice eyeball hair