Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.


I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops


Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car


“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.


I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.


Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…


[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much


“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks


It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…