Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.

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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.


At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.


[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.


Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.


James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.


You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March


Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”


COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?


After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.