@KoKeniSasquatch

Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.

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@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@JohnLyonTweets

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@TheAlexNevil

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

@YourMomsucksTho

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@mommajessiec

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.