I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
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handsome & gretel
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
This one’s “Alex”.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
😅😅😅
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
j o i m p
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”