@shithoarder

Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.

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@LeahTiscione

Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

@lecalabara

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

@carlyken

My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”

@marknorm

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

@meghaffer

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

@MaraWilson

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

@slyoung5

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.