Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.

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Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents


I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that


My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.


BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.


When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”


Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.


Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.


ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single


Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.