Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out