@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

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@mommajessiec

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

@david8hughes

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

@LetMeStart

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

@longwall26

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

@iwearaonesie

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

@LostFelicia

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

@ChaseMit

Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

@SirEviscerate

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*