@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

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@EddieHarris216

Winnie the Pooh: Huh. According to this book we’re both apex predators.
Tigger: Really?
(They turn their heads)
Piglet: Oh shit.

@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

@markedly

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

@sweetmomissa

Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA

@KeetPotato

unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”

@PondHockeyPro

Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom

@Cpin42

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

@TheAlexNevil

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early