Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Catering service
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Guilty! 🤪