Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts