Thanks to yesterday’s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.

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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.


meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat


Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?


Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom


I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers


Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?


Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.


You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.


Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW


[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.