Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
This is sending me to another galaxy
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
No Google it does not
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
The cashier just checked me out.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.