@linanneblack

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

You Might Also Like

@upsidedowntrash

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

@aka_fatman

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

@Home_Halfway

Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”

@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@Reverend_Scott

????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

@BastardProphet

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

@nnnatchos

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

@dreamthievin

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”