Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag