Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
this is 10/10 content no notes
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Today’s tshirt
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir