“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.