[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
In space, no one can hear…
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
not for long
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.