Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?