[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.