[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.


This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”


My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.


Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity


thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…


“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”


Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.


First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)


Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.