[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
You Might Also Like
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Y’all ready for this
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”