@smithsara79

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

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@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

@NurseMurderer

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

@Diversion50

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@CopBroughtPizza

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

@ericsshadow

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

@TheBoydP

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

@ShootyDoody

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.