[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.