[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
You Might Also Like
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
peak technology
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split