[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!


Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.


Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.


A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.


With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.


Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL


Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.


I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline


You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams