@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

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@3sunzzz

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

@eileencurtright

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

@GoodNaps

Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else

@KeetPotato

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

@phoebe_bridgers

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

@ehchinoo

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

@brunopieroni

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

@CooIStepDad

[Riot]

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

*far in the back*

PIZZA ROLLS

“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”

PIZZA ROLLS

“JIM”

But I’m hungry 🙁

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@kendragaylord

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*