Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
describing stardew valley
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project