Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
You Might Also Like
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
When I laugh on my period
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.