Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.