Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

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GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?


Keep an eye on the horizon. (Iโ€˜m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)


To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.


Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.


Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’


Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.


Twitter, because my work isn’t just going to ignore itself.