Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

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[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?


Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call


Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!


You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.


Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt


Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.


Me: We need to go.

11: Go without me.

7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.


My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.


My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.


*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit