Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
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if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues