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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.