Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
this came to me in a vision
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out