That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
i’m laughing very hard in real life
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?