HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?