“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes
1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.
2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.
3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can’t do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like “You guys don’t know her very well”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.